JMF
I don't know if this will help you or not, but I found a web site called coping.org
It has coping skills for adults and under the "control issues" section there is one on detachment.
It really helped me figure out why I couldn't say no. It's not a quick fix, but it helped me uncover my own wierd thinking that kept me hooked on enabling my addict. I found that just under my awarenss, I was telling myself all kinds of "reasons" why I needed to say yes and when I brought them to my consious awareness and looked at them, I was able to see how crazy they were.
I pray that you can find some ways to detach. Recently I figured out that if my addicted niece has the inclination or ability to get better, its up to her. If she is not willing or able, allowing myself to be dragged down wastes two lives, hers and mine. I think my HP has more of a purpose for me in this life than allowing myself to be dragged down with my addict.
Love and Prayers, just like the airlines, put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others... please take care of you first.