Wow, cornszech: you sure do have a full deck of cards when it comes to problems! The first thing that came to mind when I read your post was: "whoa! Hold up there!" I felt like pulling on some virtual reins somewhere!
I can relate to you: I also have life problems coming out of my ears. I won't go into them, but, a lot of your reasoning was and is similar to mine. First off, I attached my sobriety to my husband's behavior. Well, I can't do that. He still drinks. I wanted him to hide/lock up the booze. He did with some, (the hard liquor), he didn't with beer and wine. So, I locked myself up and took antibuse.
But, it's not about him. His drinking is his business. My drinking is my problem. This is BTW an issue I have noticed with a lot of women on SR, and I think it is because we tend to drink at home, not publicly, and therefore we are more sensitive to the presence and use of alcohol at home by others. But, it is an obstacle we have to get past. If I can walk past an aisle in the grocery store where bottles of wine are less than 6 feet away from me, logic follows that I can walk past a bottle of wine in my house 6 feet away from me. There is really not much difference. I can't let proximity be a reason to get drunk.
I was amazed and pleasantly surprised to find that my husband cut his consumption down by about 80% when I quit! You never know what affect your sobriety can have on your partner, so, it is SO worth it to give it a try, to do it on your own and don't wait for him. This is your journey.
There is something that people told me on SR time and time again: make a plan for sobriety. And that is so important: just quitting impulsively is something I've done several times before. It never lasted because I didn't have a plan. That is probably why you have read so many posts by folks here who started and quit over and over again. I see in their posts they haven't made a plan.
You need to analyze why you believe people are telling you "you are not an alcoholic". First of all, no-one is qualified to make that diagnosis anyway. A doctor can tell you he thinks you drink too much, a psychiatrist can say the same thing. But, it is very difficult for anyone to tell you you are an alcoholic. A nurse is not even qualified to make any kind of diagnosis, nor are any med techs you may encounter in the hospital.
Alcoholism is not something they can write in your chart at the edge of the bed and prescribe treatment for. Maybe you want someone to tell you that you are an alcoholic, but I have bad news. I don't think anyone ever will. And, no one can, really. People call it a disease, but it is also a behavior. There is no virus that takes control of your hand and forces you to pour alcohol down your throat. There is only one person who knows if you are an alcoholic. And that is you. Your mirror is where you are going to get that clear diagnosis.
Reading your post gives me the impression you are trying to untangle a ball of yarn. The tangled strings represent all the problems in your life. Why don't you start by separating the "alcohol" string from the rest, and work on fixing that first.
I still have a tangled ball of life's problems myself. But, I wasn't able to work on any of them as long as my life was totally unmanageable due to alcohol. I still haven't solved some of my problems. And, do you have a chair nearby, you might have to sit down to read this: I am also finding out through recovery that I may never be able to solve some of them. I may have to accept them.
One of the things I was also trying to do with that tangle of problems was connect them. I saw my drinking as a result of marriage problems, teen problems, health problems. But, I had to learn that they are not connected. My drinking was a thing unto itself. I still have marriage problems. I still have a wild teen out of control. And a myriad of other problems.
I am an athiest but I still find AA useful. I have problems with some of the steps. But I take what I can use from AA and skip a lot. And, you don't have to choose AA - you are in a large city and I am sure there are non-religious resources for you.
anyway, welcome to SR, please come back and tell us how you are doing!