Abundance

Chino...... that is such a good point!!!!! Although, on Monday night last week (the night he left).... he said he came on here and saw that I had written about sharing with my best friend and that I had a "plan"...... he said that he felt betrayed by me for sharing our story ... "airing dirty laundry". What absolutely hurts is that out of that "my relapse" thread..... that is all he took from it. I know that is a form of addict manipulation, though. But it still does really hurt.

I think he came here because he was really unsure of just what I was going to do. Well - I was very clear with him that I wasn't sure how long I was going to be able to handle just asking him when he "looked a bit off"... and waiting for him to tell me that he did get high. He didn't get back into recovery - instead he just kept getting high..... his recovery plan was all about making lists and checking items off - and working his business.
He has known about this site - and only has come twice (that I know of) - last week..... and then another time back in January.

I think I will probably keep coming back..... it has been such a tool in my personal recovery.

So- the boys don't start school tomorrow! LOL! They start on Tuesday - which is a nice surprise!

I have not spoken with him .... for once, I want to stick with meaning what I say..... which was - go to an SLE..... and then we can see what happens. IDK....... I just know I don't want him moving back in here. Mostly because of the boys and the confusion.

I told their father today that my guy had moved out. He really liked him and knows how much I love him. He asked why and I told him it was because he lied to me.... and that he kept going back up to the mountains. He asked if it was for partying and I said I guess. He asked if it was for another woman.... and I told him I didn't know why - that I didn't know exactly what he was up to while there. Anyway, he understood, but I could tell he was sad. He was really excited about the boys having a male figure in the household - he felt that my guy was a positive in the boy's lives.

This whole thing is so sad to me. I mean what would even be the odds that we could work it out months or a year down the road? I probably shouldn't be thinking about that right now. I feel like first, I need to just get strong for myself and my boys. Also work on how to be in an interpersonal relationship. Which is going to take some time by working on just myself.

I just got another text from him and he wanted to come by to drop some things off and see us. I told him that right now I'd rather the boys have their focus on their joy which is starting school this week, and that I'm not ready to see him.

I am literally in a state of flux.... from one day to the next.... I'd rather get some consistency and know for sure before I see him.

::: sigh :::......... how could he have not known that this was going to happen? I told him ... he knew.... I was never un-clear.