First off-know that I am praying for you. You are one of the people that I have connected with here that stays on my mind quite a bit. I don't come around here that much because I just don't have a lot of time right now, and when I do come I don't post a whole lot. But when I log on, I always look to see how things are with you. I feel so strongly about your situation because the parallel to mine is uncanny.
I found early on that journaling is a huge emotional release for me. Writing helps me stay centered and keeps my mind from wandering around. And my journals were the thing that kept me from 'forgetting' how horrible my life could become during those times when things got a little smoother and I questioned my decision to leave. And there were lots of those times. I have lived many years in denial of the reality of my life.
I read lots of books in the first months, and many of them I read over and over again. I spent a LOT of time here at SR. The understanding and support I found here were the catalyst to change for me. I have not been one to do meetings but I think that those that do get a huge benefit from them. They just didn't fit into my schedule.
My journal is really a prayer in written form. I find that the only thing that gets me through the hard times is my faith that God is in control. When I put my trust in Him and stop trying to do things my way-stop trying to control the outcome of everything-He never fails to bring joy from ashes.
I was scared to death in the beginning. I had been financially dependent on my exah since I was 22 years old (I turned 50 three weeks before we seperated). But there came a time when the pain of staying in the marriage, and the overwhelming fear of what my children were seeing, exceeded my fear of the unknown-so I held my breath and jumped.
Many of my worst fears came true, but I found out that what I was afraid of really wasn't half as bad as what I lived with to avoid them.
Over the past two years, I have lost the business that was my family's sole source of income for the whole of my marriage (26 years). I have had months that I wasn't sure where the money was going to come from, and I have used credit more than I would have liked to sometimes (in anticipation of being able to pay it off when things finally settled). There has not been one single month that God has not provided what I and my kids needed, even though my exh has jerked me around the whole time. Have we had the lifestyle we used to have? No. But it was a mirage of a lifestyle. It looked very good from the outside but from the inside it was poison.
I had to leave the house that my children were born and raised in. It sat empty for several months before my exah finally quit playing games and signed the papers to list it for sale-then it sold in less than a month. It is a 300K house, and we got 293K for it. God did that. In this economy, in this real estate market, there is no way that this is anything else than the hand of God.
I am one semester away from completing a degree that I started fifteen years ago. God has provided the financial assistance necessary for that and led me to a Christian college with professors that have gone the extra mile for me when I needed a little slack due to the stress of what I have gone through. I have a 3.965 GPA. God did that-not me.
I still struggle. It is difficult to be responsible for things that I have never had to deal with-like home repairs, yard work, taxes, etc. But God has given me the strength and the grace to handle everything that has come my way. It stinks to know that my exh is still 'enjoying the good life' with new cars, rich friends, trips to the Bahamas, etc. But I have learned that these things are nothing but poor substitutes for true peace and joy. Not always happiness, but always joy.
I know that people have different perceptions of who and what God is. I believe that He is a personal, caring, loving Father that I can depend on to carry me when I am too weary to walk. Over the past two years, He has been faithful to lead me even when I had no idea where it was that I was going. But I did have to step out in faith and trust Him.
He WILL take care of you and your girls. Are you a Christian? Do you have a church? God is the ultimate Counselor, the original Healer.
With Him ALL things are possible, including freedom from abuse and addiction. I am living proof!
If you don't have a church, I encourage you to look for a Celebrate Recovery group in you area and go there for help. They are always connected with a church that believes in reaching out to those that need help instead of looking down on us as failures. It would be a good place to start.
I'm sorry you are going through this time, but I have found that God used the worst times in my life to strip my of my pride and my belief that I could handle things on my own, and to learn that He is the only One that can really handle anything the right way.
((((HUGS))))