londonvanpelt-
thanks for the insight....interesting perspective
."If you need help I am here for you" translates into "You are not strong enough as a human being, so call me because I am stronger than you
i had re-recorded my vm message about 10 times before i sent it...making sure it wasn't "offering help" but just "an unconditional friend"...my message that i left was like i noted above:
I thought it would be nice (not codie- just friendly) to leave him a voice mail message saying it was great to see him even for a minute, but that it would be great to keep in touch while he's out...and that I know things may be tough right now, but to hang in there and call on friends like me if he needs support...and that I'm not here to ask questions, just to look forward-- and be a friend if he needs one.
but in hindsight, and considering all of the stuff he was/is going thru, i could have just said "hey it was nice to see you, please keep in touch"...which is so generic, how could you interpret it "the wrong way"...but it also wouldn't have really said anything.
I don't want to feel guilty for having good intentions....and I almost caved to that. He came in to the office, looked great, etc, and was calmly chatting with another person so I didn't expect him to freak out.
I DO know, (as today there has been some chatter) that he is still blaming his anger/work issue situation on his mom, the company, some office gossipers, and not taking responsibility for problems he created before he left.
With what I know and see, he is NOT ready to be working, he doesn't have the ability to think and respond rationally, and he is not healthy. At all.
I absolutely love who he is beneath all of this disease, but that person is not here right now...he is trapped in this disease, and I empathize with the unbelievable struggle and the hole he needs to figuratively climb out of. My heart aches for him....but I've suffered too many sleepless, guilty, obsessive nights for months wondering how I could have done something or said something or worded something differently..or smiled differently or was it the way I waved at him? or was it the lack of punctuation in the text message that made him read it and take it wrong? OMG. I reflected on all this stuff this weekend (again, when I couldn't sleep..and it was swirling in my head) and I finally said to myself outloud last night......NO. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I LEFT HIM A VOICE MAIL MESSAGE WITH A WARM, FRIENDLY GREETING. ALL I MEANT BY IT WAS TO LEND SUPPORT AND A FRIENDLY VOICE. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I CANNOT OWN HIS MISERY. HE CAN BLAME ME ALL FKG DAY LONG, BUT I WILL NO LONGER TAKE THAT ON. IT'S HIS LIFE. AND HE CAN GET HIMSELF HELP AND OWN HIS OWN RECOVERY. IF HE CHOOSES TO REMAIN IN DENIAL, AND AS A VICTIM, HE CAN DO IT WITHOUT TAKING ME DOWN WITH HIM.
And with that, I felt a bit more free.
I don't disagree with you, and I don't know what it's like to be in an addict's shoes, but my codie shoes hurt too.
love ya,
rivka