co-dependant
I have thought most of my life that my mom has always been the one who is codependant on me. It is only recently that a friend (who also recommended me to this web site) that I am also the one who is codependant.
My mom has been an alchoholic for almost six years now. I have since graduated from college with a degree in Biology, traveled around the world, and have spend some time doing research in Costa Rica. I am pretty proud of myself for my goals and dreams and attribute much support from my mom......as long as I come home.
I feel this strong pull from her that if I am not there to help her, then she has no one. She already points out how she has no friends and I am never there for her, even though I am. Right now I am temorarily living 5 hours away for a job contract I needed. I am now realizing that I would like to settle down a bit...take better care of myself, find new friends, attend some a-anon meetings, look into grad school, i dunno. Maybe meet someone to love. But right now I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I am scared. I am scared to leave her. I miss her and love her and feel like I am abandoning her, even though I know I can't be there for her. She wears me down. I have been being treated for depression now for about five years. I know not all of it is from her and much is simply chemical...but her drinking problem doesn't help me obviously.
And then there's the five and a half year old sister I have whom I adore. I would die for this little child (cheezy as it sounds). My mom is a good mom to her. But I worry about when she's older. And my mom also puts a lot of her sadness of me being gone onto little Kelsey. Kelsey now memorized my cell phone number and calls me at least a few times a day lately. Asks me why I don't call back (I do). When am I coming home? It is breaking my heart.
I want to get my stuff out of storage, and into a place of my own again (I was alone in college for a little over a year). But where?
I know I can't go home now. And I'm honestly a bit scared.