Thanks for explaining ESH to me!
I'm working on my codie habits... I don't know if I did so well yesterday, but I am happy with the outcome so far.
When I found the Facebook thing, it was about 10 minutes after I got to work. My first thought was to leave work early so I could talk to him as soon as possible because I couldn't stand the knot of fear in my stomach. But after reading your thread, I decided that I needed to take care of me first and I can't just leave work because my RABF (is this right? "Recovering Addict Boyfriend"?) didn't tell me something. (Now that I'm writing about it, I realize how ridiculous that sounds!).
So I stuck around, and then got home about 6:30 pm and he wasn't there. He went to see the new Batman movie, which I had expressly said I wanted to watch with him. He left me a note saying he had a hard day and needed to unwind, so I thought "better a movie than getting high." So... I talked myself out of making it a big deal.
By the time he got home, I was really frustrated because it was around 8:00 pm, and I needed to go to a friend's fare well party at 9:00 pm (he couldn't come because he is on parole, and his curfew is 9:00 pm), which meant no time for a real talk. But I started the conversation anyway. I had told him I wanted to have a "check-in" conversation once a week so that we could talk about how we feel, how things are going, and if there is anything we can do to help each other (even if it's getting out of the way). So I told him we hadn't had one this week yet, and I told him (again) that it really drives me crazy when I find out he hasn't told me about something because it makes me doubt everything else that comes out of his mouth. Then I asked him if there was anything I should know, and he told me about the Facebook account.
He got all defensive though, and started trying to turn it around on me. "It's censorship, I should be able to do whatever I want, I don't need to answer to you" and, my favorite, "do you think you're prefect? I'm working on it, don't you feel you have to work on your own things too?" HA! I wasn't falling for it. Of course I have a lot of room for improvement, but I wasn't the one who's bad habits hurt other people and the trust that those people had in him. I didn't say this to make him feel guilty, but merely to point out the facts. So he acknowledged that, unlike him, I never lied or hid anything from him in the past, so there is no reason for me to tell him every single thing I do; he can trust me.
He keeps giving me this crap about how they tell him that he needs to be selfish in his recovery. I'm not saying that's not right, and I wouldn't want him to start pleasing everyone but himself... it would lead him to relapse. But he also needs to learn to live with other people and have intimate relationships. That requires being unselfish in a lot of ways.
But I digress. The point of the story is that, as much as I wanted to stay and talk things out, I couldn't forgo going to one of my best friend's fare well party. I had to put myself first because my self-esteem would have taken a severe blow if I stopped doing the things I love doing out of fear, out of walking on eggshells.
Since we couldn't fully talk during that short time, I told him that I wasn't attacking him. That neither of us should take what the other says personally, but take it as constructive criticism or even just sharing our feelings; it doesn't mean we need to do anything about it. So he was OK with that. We haven't set a time for our conversation yet, but I've asked it to be before the end of the week and he agreed.
What I don't understand is why, when they are supposed to go to meetings and learn how to share their feelings and experiences without taking it personally or giving advice, they can't do that at home. I would love an explanation for that!
Last edited by TwoOfHearts; 07-31-2008 at 07:58 AM.
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