Hey Gwen--
Tough times when kids really start pushing all your buttons.
One thought:
11, 12 13, those are transitional years. They aren't little kids anymore and so they won't really just "do" what we tell them to anymore. They aren't adults yet either and so we need to be firm and protective but respect their autonomy and not increase their self-consciousness or damage their fragile new mind. Because their mind is expanding by leaps and bounds at that age. Any little hypocrisy we've been living in front of them becomes unbearable and confusing as they enter adolescence. We have to adapt our parenting style for the adolescent.
Two books I found really helpful
"Your 10-14 Year Old" by Louise Bates Ames and "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and listen so Kids will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. Both widely available at libraries.
I had the wrong expectations of my oldest as he entered those years. Those books helped straighten out my thinking.
I had to change! My way of dealing with him and, now his brother who just turned 13 this year, had to change.
MY tone of voice had to change.
MY attitude had to change.
And when I worked on those things in MYSELF things got better for all of us. No lie.
It's work, and it ain't easy, but it is worth it.
Peace,
B.