(((loner))) My heart goes out to you. I know what you mean about depression being a life long thing, I've had it most of my adult life. At the risk of telling you things you already know, l want to share a couple of things that have helped me - this site being one of them!!!
It sounds like you need to find a new dream for yourself. Don't let depression hold you back from wishing something better for yourself. My dream is often the only thing that keeps me going these days! You were never going to realise your dream of happiness with your XABF so try and work out what would make you happy! Then you know what direction to go in baby steps to get there.
I know its hard but try and do a little something for you every day. Something that will bring you some pleasure or make you smile. Be kind to yourself - this one is a hard one for me. I have a nasty voice in my head that says all sorts of horrible things to me! I'm a lot more aware of it now but ignoring it is harder.
Anti depressants really do work if you have the right one at the right dosage - get your zoloft! If it isn't working for you, go back to your doctor and try a different one.
Keep venting here - it helps! Another thing I've found useful is journaling. Getting how I feel down on paper helps me sort it all out in my own head.
One of my favourite saying I found here on SR that has had the most effect on the way I think is 'if nothing changes then nothing will change'. I have a few other favourites but this is the one that helps keep me motivated to change the things I'm not happy with.
So, you'll be pleased to hear the lecture is over! Take care of yourself - you deserve happiness!!
:ghug3