Old 07-26-2008, 06:47 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
RufusACanal
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Usually I know where I am at Dee, but not always... The simple truth, which I have my true friend bugworth to thank for is I am more secular in my belief system than I like to let on. I am very self-determining and more stubborn than many a mule; I believe in choice and not predestination. Having said that, I refuse to throw the baby out with the bath water; acts of humility allow questions to resurface in my life and I need to question in order to grow. I believe in something greater and ease of use, I call it God.
Responsibility is my primary key, but my personal responsibility is not the sum of who and what I believe or attempt to embrace on a daily basis, but rather a part of the whole. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous has been my life preserver and though as some would say poorly writing, sexist and out of date this text has for 30 plus years in my life formed the foundation which I stand on today. I see the similarities more than the differences in a new life filled with hope and even without proof that there is a omnipotent being, I believe in something greater than I as I follow the directions prescribed in the pages of this life changing volume.

Active Alcoholism and the insane lifestyle of the Alcoholic was my suit of clothes for an eternity it seems. I ventured through a Faustian struggle for decades attempting to discern between good and evil, right and wrong and even up and down. I studied everything I could get my hands on from Anton LaVey to Billy Graham. Was I just deformed, a reject? On occasion, I witnessed others breaking the surface and breathing in hope, though I could not muster the courage to do the same. My long and winding road took me to places I have lightly mentioned in my posts, but in truth I was seconds from death more often than not. If I was to be free, I needed to believe in something and stick with it. The time had passed for the luxury of denial, I had to find a place to roost and I chose the principles of AA. You see, AA offered me room to be myself; I did not have to mold my insides to others outsides, I could be a part of AA and still be myself. I took the lessons of AA and they worked! The results of a thing inspire me to action.

Today, after realizing sobriety without relapse for over five years, something is working and I would return to the fool I was if I didn’t acknowledge the miracle that has blossomed in my life. I am no longer a slave to booze! I have a loving and good Wife! I have the ability to be there for others! I can give without taking! I have a career! I have possibilities, I have hope! This from a man who is a convicted felon, who has served prison time, who has lost everything conceivable, who has been in state mental hospitals, who bears the scars of self inflicted pain, who has been homeless repeatedly, who has been raped and beat and who has return ever blow without regard, who was knifed and bleed, who has stolen and lied and deceived and manipulated, who has lost all sense of hope, who has lost the last grain of self in the sewer of more. I know pain as well as anyone and the seat I find in AA meetings is mine, I belong finally somewhere for which I am grateful beyond words.

Am I agnostic, that fellow who believes in something greater without form? YES. Does my lack of a currently accepted belief help you to get sober and stay sober, NO. So put away the excuses and recover.
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