I am a mom now raising 2 sons, 17 and 20, on my own. I agree that it is tough at these ages knowing when to get involved and set boundaries ...and when to step aside. My 20 year old is very independent and can be very stubborn and disagreeable ... and at times even careless and irresponsible for his age, but he is also a good kid that stays out of trouble and gets excellent grades in a top notch university. I feel as long as he keeps on the straight and narrow, I will try to step aside whenever possible and let him make most of his own decisions. However, he has had trouble finding a very much needed job these last 2 summers ... so this spring I took the initiative and got more involved then I had in the past. Last summer I let him handle his own job hunting and he ended up jobless and I found out later his self esteem suffered greatly even though he never revealed these feelings to me. This year, after several weeks of his own job hunting, when his own attempts had failed and his morale was again getting low, he finally gave in and actually let me drive him around & help him look for jobs ...and surprisingly the first place I stopped at, he went in and got the job. I think it was a valuable learning experience for him since, in the past, he had given up too easily when he went job hunting on his own... or he was too picky - he finally let down his guard enough to listen to my suggestions coming from years of being both an employee and an employer. I don't think he would have ever even applied at the place he ended up getting a job at on his own....but he ended up with a good job making more money than he ever thought he could make in a summer ...and he is now more confident, experienced and self assured as a result ... and he has a bank account filled with much needed college money. He got and kept the job because of his own ability ... he just needed some suggestions and encouragement along the way .. even at an independent 20, there are times they can still benefit from our involvement.
My youngest son recently turned 17 and so far has shown more wisdom and maturity than my oldest son. In many ways, he has been easier because he actually still listens to advise and guidance. Both of my sons had to watch the self destructive and tragic decline that lead to the eventual death of their father due to alcoholism within the past several years. My youngest son has been more willing to discuss all the troubling events resulting from his father choices. As a result, at this point in his life he finds stories regarding his teenage peers experiences with drugs and alcohol use, idiotic and appalling. He even finds smoking to be abhorrent. I explained to him that he was given the opportunity to see from the inside how horrific addiction is ... an advantage some of his peers won't find out about until they discover first hand the hard way ..and have made some serious and dangerous choices leading to life long, heart breaking misery of addiction. I have seen some of his comments that he has made to friends he is unaware that I have seen ... and I have quietly glowed with pride when he has repeated to his friends some of the advise I have given him. It validated that he really was listening and learning during these discussions - even though at times he appeared bored and disinterested on the outside.
There are times it would seem easier to give up and concentrate on my own endless list of problems ..and let them handle all their own choices ... then I remember that I am still their mom and not their friend or a roommate that they share a house with ..and part of my job as a parent at their ages is to make sure I have conveyed what I believe are acceptable and appropriate behaviors for decent, caring, and honorable people .... the kind of adults that I hope they grow to become.