I noticed that about my kids and grandkids too londonvanpelt. The scapegoating follows it's way down through the family for no reason at all. So does the chosen grandchildren.
I think this article fails to recognize that it's all scapegoating. It's just opposite sides of the same coin. The parents project themselves onto their children in a split personality kind of way. The parents really don't even know their own children. They can't see past the reflection of themselves.
I actually saw this played out in a way that I could see it clearly. There were parents who had 2 sons. The second child was the chosen child in the family. When the sons moved out the parents got 2 dogs to take their place. The dogs were treated in the same exact way as the sons were treated. They projected themselves onto the dogs as objects just like their sons were objects. It really helped me understand what happened in my family.
Ginger's post really shows that when the dynamics change the family dysfunction has to change also. I don't think it was because you failed in perfection. I think it's because you became aware and changed the game. I was a chosen child for 7 years playing the role of the son in the family. They wanted a boy and I was the second daughter so they just made me the son. When my brother was born 7 years later I was discarded as if I was trash and never had a place in the family again. I still struggle with terrible abandonment issues over that.
londonvanpelt, my son is an addict and I can understand all the hard things in life that led to his addiction and struggle. I went through a long stage of grief over it. You will grieve for your brother, but in the end recovery will have to come from within him. We are powerless over our loved one's addiction and choices. The 3 C's of al-anon are you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The 3 A's are awareness, acceptance, and action. I think the grief we feel is working through the awareness and working toward acceptance.