View Single Post
Old 07-20-2008, 05:41 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
beegee
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Question I think I am confused, scared.

I have been muddeling around the last two weeks halfway in tears, some anger and definitly depression and uncertain about everything now.

Last week I went to a meeting at rehab with AD councelor and my other daughter. This was quite emotional as she expressed feelings for the first time in her life. Said she never experienced this before and she was crying. I mean she doesn't cry not ever. She once said she had no heart and this is pretty good picture of her inside. So out comes all these emotions and tears and sorrys and apologies which she said were not going to change anything she has done to me but she truly felt pain for others. Spoke of her sister and her triggers and how she wanted so much to stay away from the drugs so she didn't end up like some of her new friends there. It really seemed to scare her.

As a mom I am amazed that someone broke through this wall of stone she has around her.So many years of keeping it all inside with her. I just assumed she was like her Dad. She gets angry easy and this will be the tough one to deal with I believe as far as a trigger.

Ok, so now I have a friend that I have been talking to and she had after all these years confided in me that her son was an addict also. I am so happy with my daughters progress yet I am leary as to everything I have read here and hear at meetings about relapses. But...I think I am not closed minded that I know the possibilities are great for relapse but they also could work out good also without one.
So in my joy of seeing how much AD has opened up to everything and I am getting excited about her comming home the end of the month my friend on the phone yesterday tells me that I better prepare for the worst and don't think she won't relapse because she will again and again. My heart sort of sank listening to her. I said did you son relapse Yes she said several times and she went on talking about relapses. I think I was almost angry inside because I felt like she was way over the fence trying to convince me of a or a few relapses. Like I know she is trying to protect me but my eyes are not shut here but of course I am hoping for a good story. I just feel like she took away my happy thoughts with too much gloom. And even though I kept saying yes, I understand it can happen she seemed to be insistant that it would happen. I don't think I am in denial because I am hopeful.
So I have been walking around here feeling all these things and tending to look now to what she said instead of feeling better about everything and hopeful it may work. I know she didn't mean to pull me down but she did. Am I wrong to think this could work maybe? I mean I am questioning my own common sense now.
I saw AD yesterday I drove up and it was so good to see her and see her smiling and perky. She told me she was happy I was going to meetings and maybe we could go together and she had a lot to learn and I said so do I and we laughed. Then she started to cry saying again she has done so many horrible things to me she didn't know how I could love her and somehow she was going to try and make it up to me, And I just grabbed her and hugged her and assured her I would always love her just sometimes I didn't like her. We laughed and she said I can't wait to get home but I will miss somethings here. I just want to be able to talk with you and tell you so much. Wow to me that was like winning the lotto! Then on the drive home my friends conversation crept back into my feelings and I started crying and feeling crappy about relapse was inevidiable.
I am having a hard time with now because it is like condeming a person to death befor he is guilty and I want to think it is possible to pull through rather then not. I need some help with this and if I should say anything to my friend how she brought me down so much...

Last edited by beegee; 07-20-2008 at 05:45 AM. Reason: spelling
beegee is offline