i need someone that tells me more than "communication is important" because he is never willing to open up and as strange as it sounds, he avoids serious conversations or arguments saying that they will eventually end up by a fight..
His response to opening up is a cop-out. He needs to man up on that. Sorry to sound blunt. I understand that people can be apprehensive about opening up, fearing it will lead to a bunch of drama that he's unable to handle, but he can learn how open up w/o a conversation turning sour or getting out of control. It would take therapy or couples counseling or being someone who can "get it" on self-help books and actually apply/understand that material (those people are in the minority, imho.)
As for advice on how to make it work: see someone together. If that therapist doesn't work, go to another one. For every good therapist there are 5 that suck. He has to want to get help (more than just telling you a funny story about the good old days.) My husband snorted meth for God knows how many years. He knows better than to tell me a story and hope I find it amusing. It's not funny to me. It's my life too that he fracked up with his drug use and it's not a joke to me--neither is drug addiction. Sure, it may be a defense mechanism, but he needs to learn how to open up and engage in a productive conversation (and even a productive argument) like an adult and not act like a sniggering 14 year old boy who laughs when he's asked a dead-serious question.
I don't mean to sound so harsh. It's not directed at you. Advice I can offer you personally is pretty cut and dry:
Decide what you need from him.
Tell him.
Give him a chance to deliver the goods.
Have a contingency plan in place (i.e. "If he can't follow through on this, what will happen? What will I do? What are my boundaries?")
Make sure he knows what those are.
Follow Through on them if you need to.
Be serious about it and let him know you are. (It sounds to me like you are VERY serious, but he really isn't.)
He needs to know what will happen if things don't change. And you need to sit down and make some of the hardest decisions of your life, go over that "What ifs" and have a response/plan for each one that you will stick to and follow through on yourself.
And, take lots of hugs from all of us (and good thoughts) because we like to give them out!
Welcome to SR!
(HUGS)