Your a strong women. My son is 21 has been using since 17, I cant tell you how many times Ive kicked him out. It never lasted more then 2 or 3 days. This past November I kicked him out for good. Like every other parent we fear for there safety. I still have problems detaching from him, but with every little step it does get easier. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont pray for him and his recovery, but I know now that if I didnt let go he would drain me emotionally. I am so sorry he is going through this, but your health and sanity is important. Life with an addict is like being on a rollercoaster. He is out of your hime you know he is safe. You truly need to take care of yourself. What I have learned is it is totally out of our control.