My daughter's father is still actively alcoholic. I've been sober more than five and a half years. We have nothing in writing as far as visitation goes, though as soon as she could see the difference between sober mom and drunken dad, she requested that I tell him drinking around her would not be permitted. He didn't like it, and as a result, he sees her infrequently. Also, when he calls, I screen the calls, make sure he's not slurring his words or hostile in any way. This is also at her request. She's fourteen now, part of a blended family, and she does call her step-father "Dad." She was never told that she had to or couldn't - it just seemed natural to her.
My daughter lives in a recovery atmosphere. She's been to many, many AA meetings and functions with me, has helped host them in our home and has an emergency contact list full of AA members. I have three other children - a biological son (father completely absent) and two step-sons. When we left on our honeymoon with a trusted aunt in charge, our kids went down through their AA phone list and organized a poker game! It's truly been a blessing to have so many sober alcoholics around our kids, especially our daughter, because it gives her hope for her father.
When we talk about why I didn't give her the phone, it's matter-of-factly. To say "Your Dad is drunk, so I asked him to call back tomorrow" is not derogatory in our way of thinking. It's holding him accountable for his actions and being honest. We don't tell lies or shield the kids from the world. We talk openly about it, even when it's painful. As a result, my kids seem to be less reluctant to bring their real-world problems to us.
If your child or children have an alcoholic parent, sober or not, speaking about alcoholism is crucial, in my opinion. There's not complete agreement on the familial element of alcoholism, but one thing I do know: considering certain topics off limits, "not polite," or "too adult" never helped a kid give voice to what's in his or her heart or on his or her mind. I want my kids to make informed decisions, and the only way I can do that is to make sure they have information.
Peace & Love,
Sugah