Why can't I separate from these painful feelings and move on. Why do I feel constant guilt like I'm not good enough, why do I want him to hurt like I hurt, why do I want to say mean things to him and tell him how bad he's hurt me, why can't he get better, why can't I feel better, why did it have to be him who showed me love could be real and then relapse into full on cross addiction.
You want him to hurt like you hurt because if he knew just how bad you felt and what this did to your body, mind, spirit, heart and soul, he would have no choice but to stop because nobody should have to be in this kind of pain. He won't feel it or understand it because that means he has to face it. It's a lot of guilt, to put someone through that kind of pain. It's easier to just keep hurting them, hoping they leave, then hoping they don't leave. Vicious cycle.
And my dear, sweet, lovely person, if it hurts that much, it's not love. It's sick and rotten. It will heal over time. Cliche. Sure. May not help you a lot now. But someday you will wake up and think, "I'm going to be ok." It will hit you, just like that--a gentle lightning bolt. And you will realize that life does go on and that nobody can beat you down.
I'm so sorry that you are tired and exhausted. It can wear you thin, all of it, shave away pieces of your soul and your vitality. You are human. We are only capable of taking so much abuse, so much hurt and pain before our glasses overflow and what comes of that . . . well . . . we sometimes lose control. It builds and builds, the busts like a stretched balloon, or it deflates and is never quite the same again--lacks the elasticity and flexibility.
Please understand that you are not alone. We all have had crazy thoughts, done things, said things. We are pushed to breaking points. Forgive yourself. I doubt anyone here judges you for what's happened, but instead say to ourselves, "wow, I know how that feels." I sit here and think, "hmm, maybe I would have done the same thing."
Take care of you now. Work on you. Get better. Love yourself. Live life. The BEST revenge is good, clean, healthy living and personal success and happiness. Those who have wronged you will loathe that you have risen up from the ashes like the phoenix and gained peace.
Don't give up. We're here for you. The people here, they read your words. We may be miles away, but in our hearts we are right there with you.
Light and Love...
:ghug:ghug:ghug