I think I need to explain a little better. We have come a long way down our recovery road, both individually and as a couple. There is absolutely, positively no abuse involved here whatsoever. Thank God, that is long, long gone. I've lived the emotional, verbal and physical abuse. Believe me, that's done, because I did finally find the strength to walk away rather than engage in the madness. Guess I thought I could fight my way out. (Reading for hours on end here for months and months was a major source of that strength! - I can never thank this board enough!) We still have our issues we're working on; don't get me wrong. But there's hope again.
To the beginning of the ordeal - His parents passed unexpectedly and within months of each other in '04, and he went off the deep end for a few years with the drinking. He was a monster when he was loaded, which was most of the time. Not much physical, but the words that would come out of his mouth and the attitude and mind games, ugh... To this day, he will just look at me sometimes and cry for the things he did. He had so much anger bottled up inside.
What happened in the last 6+ months is first he quit completely. Made some good connections with AA and a great sponsor, who he still speaks often with and rather considers him a father figure. He is also still in counseling, which seems to be more effective for him than the traditional AA route.
He decided one day to ask me if I would mind if he had a beer. Summer, BBQ's, you know the story. I told him I can't control what choices he makes, the decision is his alone. I told him that there are always consequences to the choices you make, good or bad. So, about a month later, he had a beer. And that was it. And from then on, he's had a beer or two, here or there. I know it's playing with fire, but it's his fire, not mine. I refuse to play alcohol police. Is my attitude that of detachment? Who knows? But it's quite liberating living the 3 c's. Is he one of the few that can come back from hell and resume "social" drinking? Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I still know that if that monster even peeks around the corner down the street, the bags are packed.
So, the point of my story. On a couple occasions, he has had more than 1 or 2. Not sloshed falling over out of control drunk. Maybe I shouldn't even have called it drunk. He doesn't get nasty/abusive in any way whatsoever. He doesn't treat me poorly at all. Just silly, goofy, a bit overbearing. And I just find it annoying. So, I leave the situation. I go read a book or watch tv. Is that enough for me to end 15 years? No. Sorry, but it's not. Not after everything else we've survived. I just can't seem to convey to him what the problem with the silliness is. That's why I think sometimes I'm being uptight. Or maybe nervous that it will progress (or regress) back to what is was before. Wow, I think I've just had an "aha!" moment. What the problem is is that I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to go back.
I've never been a great talker; been quiet/shy all my life. Maybe that's why f2f meetings were never really effective for me. But once I get writing.... (An "I'll do it myself" attitude is one of my issues...)
I was just wondering if anyone here had experience with something like this. I've even thought about just deleting this whole response, after my aha moment, but I really need you guys to know that it's ok here. I'm safe in mind, body and spirit. I just wish he wasn't at work right now so we could talk about this.
For those of you who've made it to the end of my essay!!! Thank you for listening!
