ok...my gf called from NY. it was jnice to speak with her, but i'm still alone.l i'm noticing this alone ness more and more. when I'm using I don't notice it so much but it's probably even worse then though i don't care.
i am determined to stay clean today. right now things are pretty stable, but later all hell could break loose. so right now, I have to push forward. I have to push myself into new activities and behaviors. njew practices. one of the the things I have been learning and practicing has been writing, meditation, and then excercise. the last few days the meditation and excercise have been sparse and random. so that is something that I have to push through.
I like the order of writing first. the writing helps me to know what is going on in me. helps me know what i am thinking and what i am feeling. especially my feelings seem important because I am determined to continue to practice feelings my feelings. the uncomfortable and comfortable feelings. often the comfortable one I will take for granted I think and want to funnel them into happy and excitement. but there is probably more variety in them than just happy and excitement
the uncomfortable feelings, however, i simply want to push them down. or bury them underneath my skin. but that don't work and then they are back. and the next step is to run from them. so I am learning to just kind've be with them and to "watch" them from the part of me that watches me, from my higher self or my inner higher power. the part of me that knows what is right, but is often over-ruled by "me" and has ventured into addiction. and of course the addiction to alcohol/drugs has been the one that is my biggest obstacle.
in addition to the writing, meditation, and excerecise are other things. one of these is to have meaningful contact with people. this can be verbal and non verbal, but having some verbal contact that is meaningful is very important to me. and in this contact I have to continue to practice to really listen to what the other person is saying. and while listening I have to really put myself in the place of the other person talking. I need to see that there is a whole other person right in front of me, who like me, has went around their whole life with these voices in their head. the voice in the squirrel cage and the other voice. the voice that watches (sometimes), and objectively notices what is going on.
another thing is that i have to have some kind of productivity. that one has a particular challenge for me because i often don't have any work to do at work. sometimes there are days in a row with no job assignments. It has taken me years to get used to this. when I first got this job I went into depression, in part because i didn't know what to do with myself at work when there was nothing to do. after a while i was able to get more comfortable with being lazy, sleeping, goofing around, and reading. but often the LAZY thing is what has ruled the show. I really shouldn't spend much tiime at work sleeping. so today I am going to not sleep at work. I am going to be productive. i have some things to do. and i will spend a big chunk of this day in some active recovery activities. and I will go to a meeting after work before I pick up my daughter for the night. Production. I now have a few small preventative maintenance things i can do. it's not much but It can be a half hour of something i can feel good about doing at work. i can take pride or care in my job and what i do and do a good job, even if it's only for 1/2 hour out of an 8 hour day. the rest of my productivity will have to come from within my own creation of productive activity.
OH and also i will not gorge myself with coockies or junk or pop. i will wait until lunch to eat and then have something at least kind've healthy.
finally I have more pictures to go through for this little "sorting through old pictures" project that i have undertaken that was spurred by my oldest sons upcoming graduation open house.
I get exhausted from writing. and I am that way now. it doesn't take much. perhaps with more and more constant and regular practice, religious practice, I will strengthen my writing muscles and start writing more and more. writing helps me heal. and healing helps me recover.
ok thanks universe for this moment, this breath, this time exspoloring my thouyghts through writing on this computer on the internet in a place that motivates me to explore and create my recovery. thanks for the gentle wind from the fan soothing my skin. thanks for my healthy fingers that know how to type. thanks for the people around me. thanks for all the resources available for me to find and utilize in the creation of my new life.