My mother...
...hasn't spoken to me in days and I've forgotten what I did wrong. I'm not going to ask though because I've had enough of submission. I've been owning my part and apologising, making amends until now but I've had it. Yes I know she had a bad childhood and doesn't know how to express herself, but that's not working for me anymore.
My sponsor tells me to understand that my sobriety and therapy is scary and confronting for her and that she might need reassurance. NO! I've had enough of it and its not my responsibility to make sure she's feeling ok. I don't understand why I need to be the one trying all the time, it doesn't make sense to me anymore.
The silence is awful. She does a lot of cupboard slamming, sighing, eye-rolling and leaves the room when I enter. It's very shaming to me, I feel like there's something wrong with me all the time. This is ridiculous. What bugs me more than anything, though, is that I'm playing along too because I refuse to budge. This is a childish stand-off and that's really how I feel at the moment - like a child.
My therapy is bringing up a lot of the old feelings and resentment. I'm not coping too well and have been depressed for a few weeks. My therapist wants to increase my dose of medication next week and though it scared me at first, now I think it would be a good idea. I have real problems doing the most simple things like cleaning, and I think this is what is annoying her. She takes this as a sign of disrespect and I haven't told her what's going on because she thinks depression is "selfish." Also, I don't want her to know I'm down, I prefer that she thinks I don't give a ****.
Please be honest with me and tell me what you think.
Amy