aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
I'm a fool. When will I unlearn to trust him?
We had a big talk last week. 'Oh, I'm in a bad place' he says, 'I'm trying! I will stop drinking, I can't control it'. All the usual you think? Well, not really for my AH - its the first he's said he needs to stop. So I think, hmmm maybe a teeny tiny chance things will change???
Idiot!
He asks me what I need from this marriage. I tell him - no more verbal abuse, no more manipulation, pull your weight around the house and you have to stop drinking. He's been seeing a counsellor for this for a few months now and I don't see much effect (maybe I'm trying too hard to stop being a codie since I don't count his drinks/binges anymore?). I said that I'd like to see some improvement by the end of August. He tells me everything I want to hear of course and, while I try to remain detached and the rational part of my brain says that this is all quacking, there is a wee glimmer of hope in the back of my head...
So today he has been out drinking most of the day, has done next to nothing all week around the house (he's off work with stress and has been for months) and, when I show just a tiny bit of vunerability he goes stright for the metaphorical jugular. When will I learn that he's sick in the head? That I can't rely on him?? I just keep wishing that a miracle will happen and he's back to being the guy I fell in love with. How stupid is that?
I feel like throwing a tantrum like a two year old child and scream that it just isn't fair!!!!
Why do I still give him the power to hurt me? Tell me I will learn to be immune!! I'm angry at him and me, feeling miserable and very sorry for myself. I hate this. Feels like I take 1 step forward and two back - or I'm, just going round and round in circles...