So glad that we are picking back up on this. When I first began to consider step 9 I was all about making apologies. The step does not say anything at all about apologies though- it talks about AMENDS. Wow - that was quite the different concept. I believe that this is the toughest step to make without a sponsor and any ESH that I might have would encourage anyone to be very careful about deciding what situations are the ones that we need to amend.
For me, almost everything that I had put on the list turned out to be the complete opposite of what I originally was thinking and feeling. I was very misguided in what I needed to do and my sponsor helped to sort it all out. It turned out that many of the situations did not warrant an apology and the amends was frequently to myself. The amend usually being to take better care of myself. The steps come in a particular order and that statement is particularly true for step 9.
One of the things that Step 9 brought up for me was the feeling that a number of apologies and amends were due to me from other people. Working a thorough step 4 and 5 helped me with that though because I was able to identify my part of each of my resentments. I've also begun to understand that I am really not interested in apologies unless amends are offered with them. I don't want to keep hearing "I'm sorry" for the same behaviors over and over again. If I am hearing that then that is a big red flag that I am not respecting my boundaries - or creating ones that are needed in the first place. For me, most of the repetitive "I'm sorry's" that have come my way should have been stated "I'm sorry that you are not taking better care of yourself and you keep allowing me to treat you this way". Of course, that is not what anyone was going to say - it's how I should have heard it though. That standard applies to myself....what am I saying I'm sorry for again and again and who am I saying it too? If I have to keep saying I'm sorry and making amends for the same things then I need to roll up my sleeves and get to work.
One of my life long amends that I am making to myself is to stay actively involved in recovery for the rest of my life. I realize that without that I am highly likely to fall right back into my crazy thinking and behaviors. I also make amends by rereading Melody Beattie's books regularly. The biggest amend that I can make to myself is to keep from tricking myself and believing that just because I have ended relationships with my qualifiers (addicts/alcoholics) doesn't mean that I am well and don't have a problem with co-dependency anymore.
Step 9 was a real eye opener for me because I was blaming myself for a lot of bad stuff that really wasn't my fault. It was a relief to quit carrying all of that around. It allowed me to get real and take a look at what I really am sorry for but more importantly, what I need to do to make amends.