DesertEyes

Hey there strongerwoman,

You have admirable strength sharing your pain here.

Couple decades ago I met a charming young lady who was physically deformed. She had a terrible case of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis that developed when she had her baby at age 17. She walked with a pronounced limp as her knees were deformed, as well as her feet. Her fingers were twisted up in a tangle and she could barely hold silverware to feed herself. Her elbows and shoulders were severly damaged and she had trouble opening drawers, cupboard and carrying things. Her jaw joint was damaged too, so she had trouble speaking and eating.

She was admirably strong. Raised her daughter on her own, put herself thru school and got a college degree. Got a job and insisted on earning a living, even though she qualified for full disability. She had a deep, loving heart and was constantly adopting every stray critter that came by.

That young lady was horribly deformed, but like others have said in this thread, her _insides_ were pure gold. I found her to be beautiful, kind and compasionate, and thought I would be blessed to have a wife like that. So I courted her for a couple years and we married. The next couple decades were the best years of my life.

Now I'm no hollywood super star, but I ain't no loser either. I've worked very hard at my career and my recovery the last 28yrs. I've stuck it out thru lousy jobs and scrimped my pennies thru the good ones. I buy my clothes at the salvation army and drive a simple truck. I've never cheated on my partner or even wanted to. I help around the house, do my share of laundry, dish washing and scrubbing. When our daughter was with us I did my best to be a good role model, and later I did the same for the grandkids. I have tons of friends, all of them decent, righteous people, and most of them are guys. I don't gamble, smoke, drink, or hang out at the strip joint downtown.

I fell in love with that deformed young lady because she was _lovable_. Not because of her looks. In my eyes she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Our marriage was blessed with love and happiness for almost two decades. In the end she got very ill, became dependent on pain pills and that addiction was her undoing, as well as the end of our marriage. Her addiction does not change who she was _before_ the pills.

Strongerwoman, I have no idea how deep your pain is. If it's anything like my ex-wif'es pain, then it must be overwhelming. I do know that when I went looking for a partner I did _not_ look for losers. I looked for a heart of gold, and I found one. If you go looking for losers, well then that is what you will find. But if you decide you deserve better, that you deserve somebody kind and decent and loving, well then you'll find somebody like me.

I ain't no loser. But more important than me, _you_ ain't no loser either.

Mike