It hurts so bad to know your son thinks of you as a stranger when you raised him most of his life. It also hurts that I no longer have that bond.
OK well whoa now! Judge and jury are still out - and you're already in the sentencing phase!!!
You've only just begun re-establishing ties. Although in fantasy it would have been nice to just have everything click and feel warm and wonderful - the reality is this fixed amount of time has passed and altered the course of the relationship UNTIL NOW!!! Today was a new beginning!! A new day in the NEXT 5 years of his life. So please don't go too far over the edge in blaming self, and guilt, and CERTAIN DOOM!!!! Don't give up on yourself or him when you've only just started this new chapter....and I'm not saying this to mollycoddle you - I'm saying it because it is best to think rationally about these highly charged moments as much as we can. If we get too starry eyed we are in danger of hurting ourselves when reality bites - and on the contrary if we are too negative and cynical we are slamming the door of possibilities shut....
I mean if you guys had ended up throwing chairs at each other and he bit you or something then things would look grim - but it seems like you're both probably a little numb - from natural wariness and the strangeness of the circumstances....
let this first encounter breathe a little - try to look at it objectively and not too judgementally yet!!
Sending you hugs - What you went through today took alot of courage and faith and wow you did it!!
Peace,
B.