Originally Posted by
strongerwoman 
I'm pretty good at hiding it all at first meetings, first impressions though, so at first people dont notice much, but then they do as they interact with me more.
It intrigues me that you feel you're freakishly ugly and people are staring at you all the time......but "at first people don't notice much." I wanted to share a story:
My first serious boyfriend had some codependency issues, and so did I, so while we were together for several years and moved cross-country together, we never really clicked. Not-so-good things happened. When he asked me to marry him (under horrible circumstances) I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at that point, and he blew up: "It's my birthmark, isn't it? My last girlfriend did the same thing -- she couldn't marry somebody who was deformed, and she tried to make out like it was no big deal, but now you're doing it too! I thought you could look past it and see the real me!!!!"
I stood there in silence for a minute, and then blurted out, "WHAT birthmark?" I swear to god I had no idea what he was talking about. He launched into a tirade about how I was just trying to make him feel better, etc etc
He brushed back the hair from his forehead and showed me the silver-dollar-sized, pale discoloration he'd had on his face since we met, that I'd never taken notice of. THIS was the thing that had ruined his life. He too felt that everyone, everywhere, was absolutely obsessed about his face. He was convinced of it.
My husband now has the face of someone who had terribly bad acne when he was a teenager. You know what I loved about him? He acted (and felt) like, "If something like this is going to turn someone off, then they're the LAST people in the world I need in my life." Literally? He uses his "ugliness" as a litmus test to judge whether someone's worthy of being a friend.
Maybe you'll reach that point too: when your unique appearance can just be a yardstick by which you measure other peoples' character, not how you measure your own. I have a girlfriend who's missing a hand. She drawls, "I'm just a regular chick. I just have one less hand than you. Big damn deal."
Hugs to you, Stephanie. You are who you are, and the world needs you. IMHO, life has bigger plans for you than just tagging along after an alcoholic.