True confession
There is another "layer" to my situation that maybe is relevent to my problem and recovery.
I was born with a facial birth defect. The L side of my face is affected and is not symmetrical with the R side, I have pretty bad, obvious scars too.
Essentialy, in laymans terms the whole L side of my face was underdeveloped in utero. My jaw, cheekbone, chin and L ear were most affected. I also have almost no hearing in my L ear. I've had surgeries throughout childhood to make my appearance better, but I'm still obviously very different and (in my opinion) freakishly ugly.
I'm pretty good at hiding it all at first meetings, first impressions though, so at first people dont notice much, but then they do as they interact with me more.
So. All this to say I have really, really bad social anxiety. It makes getting out there to go to Al-anon meetings very difficult. I am terrible in social situations unless its at nighttime, very low light, ect - probably why I was always liking the bar scene, everybody looks good to someone who is drunk! (sorry, bad humor)
BUT. I'm going to commit to go to a meeting tonight, at our (very large -dont really know anyone) church. Its a Christian version of the 12 steps, with a dinner & fellowship beforehand, followed by a group worship, teaching, and sharing of personal stories, followed by small recovery groups.
I wont do the dinner because eating in front of people with people all around me makes me VERY uncomfortable, but I am going to the rest.
Thats why I really like this place, SR, so much. I get to be who I am freely without being stared at, whispered about and judged.
I really think my problem has a lot to do with my dependence on my AH.
Imagine the person in the entire world with the lowest self esteem and you have me. Growing up was beyond horrible, heck, it still is. Everyday I step out of the house is very difficult for me.
This whole job search thing is beyond terribly stressful for me.
Social situations of any type are terrible. I have anxiety all the time, always hyper-aware of who is around me, who is looking at, or has the opportunity to look at my bad side.
I love going to the mall, but hate it too, so many people all around on all sides people watching.
When I do talk to a person, their eyes find their way to my scars and stuff and they stare at them while talking to me. Like a man staring at a woman's breasts instead of looking her in the eyes when talking to her, only in my case its not in admiration! When people do this it totally unnerves me and I lose my train of thought, and just try and get away as soon as possible.
For a long time I blamed myself for my father leaving us when I was 13yo, I thought the strain of me and my problems were too much for their marriage -he left for good 1 week after I got back home to NY from a major surgery in Canada. Of course, my childish brain didnt factor in his alcoholism and personality & mental issues...
Anyhow I definitely feel that the "regular" codepency issues are exaberated for me by my appearance and zero self-esteem/self-confidence.
I think my husband being with another woman makes me a little more crazy than the average person would be, because he was my comfort zone. He was the only one I ever truly believed thought I was attractive, as he never let a day go by without sincerely telling me so, the one time I let myself believe it and it all got betrayed so badly, with a pretty and outgoing blonde woman.
People talk about other people being out there for them, well, I sit here and think - umm....yeah. I am in my late 30s, have 4 kids, add into that my appearance and mental issues and its a recipe for being alone for the rest of my entire life. Because I really feel only "losers" with no self-esteem themelves would be interested in being with me. Lets face it, no "good" man is going to be interested in being with a deformed woman.
Thats why I think losing my AH hits me even harder than the average woman and makes me cling even harder and made me hang in there and hope and pray even longer. I can totally see that if I was an attractive woman with at least a little self-esteem I would have never hung in for as long as I did with AH. That sounds bad on my part, but I'm realizing it to be true.
Anyhow, I'm really rambling.
Thanks again for listening and being here.