Whew... this is a tough one.
Remember... cunning.. confusing.. and all of that stuff!!
Ditto to what outonalimb was saying..
I would just like to add a couple of things-
My experience.. It took seven treatments and losing everything before I finally divorced my husband. I was still very much in love with him (at the time). There just was no other way..
When I eventually started to let go and detach- I did it in anger. Very tough.. appeared very strong. The reality was- I was so darn sad and scared to death!!
Dixied- I used to be a member on another site before I came here. I wonder if it could be the same. I disagreed with some of the philosophies there. So much anger.. also the belief that crack addicts are all the same and never recover- hopeless.
I disagree.. it is a progressive disease. Just because my ex never got sober and into recovery does NOT mean, no one else will. Anyway- most end up eventually leaving that site- the anger and negativity starts to eat one up!
My experience as a DIL... well addicts don't always tell the truth. My ex did the divide and conquer thing. He told me alot about his family, father- I wonder if it is actually true? Because I know that he lied to them about me!!
It is WONDERFUL that you are helping your dil and grandson out so much- financially and physically!! Frankly just my opinion- boundaries but I wouldn't stop. She may not be grateful now- your grandson may not realize today. But I bet you that someday they will!! If not them- you know!!! G*d knows!!
Your dil is probably trying to figure out her life. Its true what outonalimb said about the car, even the home. Many consequenses there. Legal ones.
I can tell you this- It about killed me to say "no" and it was a "no win" situation.. exhausting. I was either being so mean to him or... from many of the people who are involved in both aa and alanon- I was an enabler- my fault.. If I would just let him hit his bottom.. then.
Lastly... boundaries-
Please don't take offense here. We all have different "norms" and family dynamics- I come from a family where there were little to no boundaries- My family would just stop by, open the frig- heck read a letter on the desk..
My ex's the opposite- we called and we rang the door bell.
Neither family, I believe was balanced.. I am trying to teach myself balance- my children. Frankly I don't like it when my own mother stops by when I have a babysitter. The babysitter tends to get uncomfortable- she stays forever and takes over... the plans change- who is in charge. I had one once tell me- "next time your mom comes over to visit, why doesn't she just stay and babysit?"
Anyway- I know there were times when I was very sensitive to my privacy and my own space. It was not the other people- it was me. I was falling apart and I didn't want anyone to see it- I needed some warning. Oh they told me THEY didn't care- if the house was clean, it was okay if I also looked like crap. But I cared...
I was used to having everything all in order.. clean.. and no it was not even about how others would perceive me- think of me. To this day- I just love a clean house!! For me!!
I'm rambling- sorry..
Wishing you and your family the best.
ugg.. remember what they say.. it is a disease that makes the whole family sick. Ugg- personally I've about had it with this disease... I want one that there is an antibiotic or surgery for!!! Also one where people send over a dinner!! Or are not so darn uncomfortable talking about it!!
