hey My Heart-
(((hugs)))
You said:
It must be more that just him being and addict.
and I think you are right. He is an abusive person. He doesn't get to blame the drugs for his behavior. Nope. It is still him driving the boat, I don't care what kinda gas he's using.
You are a human being! A woman. Absolute and beyond limitation! Your self-esteem is in the basement right now - but it doesn't have to be that way.
Can you get to a Naranon or AlAnon meeting? Can you find some counseling? Women's shelters can give you referals, or your doctor or a nurse. Don't be afraid to open up to professionals- it isn't your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Just take a little healthy baby step and reach out for some local help. You'll find better days and brighter options I promise if you accept some help.
Peace and (((hugs))) again!!!!
B.