hi there katie,
I look for your posts as my son is a crack addict in recovery at a facility. He has been there going on almost six months. Although I myself have no answers I will tell you that the more you engage in conversation with your son it is really like feeding a monster. You are giving him power. And that isn't healthy fro you.
If you must have discussions with him and he becomes abusive and threatening just consider the source. You are threatening what he wants.....his drugs, and freedom to do drugs. If he says he is through with you and your family just say something like....... I hope you will find a better life one day. I wish you well. End of reply. They wait for you to argue so that really fuels the fire. When he tells you he will ruin your life tell him it is unfortunate he feels the need to try this but there are always consequences for our actions and hopefully he will look at the big picture. Just have your consequences in place in case he causes you trouble.
As far as your daughter goes I know it might possibly be cost prohibitive for now but instead of her coming to you perhaps you could go see her or better yet meet halfway. You'd have new scenery, new things to talk about and son wouldn't be there to interfere. Might not be practical or financially possible but at least I'd think about it. Ask her how the two of you might get together in the future. She might have a great idea herself.
If she doesn't want to come home right now know that she is establishing her boundaries. It has nothing to do with you or your husband. respect that and perhaps call or write or email more and when you do talk to her just let her know she is loved and missed.
My son was never threatening or rude. He just kept me at arms length. Later, I realized that his favorite thing was divide and conquer. He kept everyone apart and the he "began to spin " his stories..........such as (to his wife) "My mom doesn't like you. She (meaning me)was mean to me all through childhood." Of course nothing could be farther from the truth but it sure seperated myself and the dil ........so he won that round.
So don't let your son conquer you or divide your family........go over some of those Al-Anon sayings. Don't listen to his voice messages. And always if there is any doubt let your answering phone pick up rather than you.
At least till you get over the hurdle.
I am very new to recovery. I make mistakes believe you me. But I know now that what I did in the past didn't work. My heart started getting hardened. So for now I am thankful my son is in recovery. I hope for the best and try not to interfere in the process. What tomorrow holds I do not know but for today he is safe, sober, and much more healthy. So my cup runneth over and I am a thankful person. Hopefully your son will accept help before long. Until then take care of yourself because you deserve a good life too as does your daughter and husband..............blessings, dixied