Can't find a meeting :(
After several years of wrestling with whether or not I needed to go to AA, I finally went to my first meeting on Saturday evening. Took me ages to find the place and I wouldn't have found the room if someone hadn't asked me if I was looking for 'the meeting'.
I tried to find three other meetings in my area tonight. I looked them up on the website and either the website is out of date or I just couldn't find the locations.
I feel so sad. I really disappointed myself by getting plastered on Friday night and I had to break a work commitment that cost both me and a friend several hundred dollars eac on Saturday and also inconvenienced a number of people bec I was hungover and hadn't had any sleep.
I've been really anxious and in a difficult frame of mind and have a few events coming up that involve alcohol - I am obliged to attend and I don't know how I am going to avoid drinking. Bec I couldn't find the meetings tonight I can hear myself going back into old thought patterns of 'I'll just have one or two to fit in' and 'I don't really have a problem, I just need a bit more willpower'. Everything has gotten worse in my life the last few years - I have had to find a job that is almost entry level because I am not capable of doing the high level work I have done in the past. It's partly bec I'm hung over nearly every day, but also my thinking and my capacity to get anything done, to learn new things and to solve problems is drastically reduced.
I sat at home with most of my light bulbs blown for weeks because I couldn't get my head around what I needed to do to change them. I go months without buying groceries because going to the supermarket is too hard to do. I don't know if this is all because of drinking, but I'm sure the drinking is not helping. Sometimes I think the only way I will be able to stop is if all the alcohol on the planet disappeared.
The fact that I couldn't find three meetings tonigt makes me think that I should just give up, that I'm not meant to go to AA. I wish I could just stay home with my kitty and drink and not get hung over or have the bad effects of drinking. I'd never leave the house again!