Tired and feeling alone
Hello friends. I found this messageboard and would like to share a little of my story in the hopes of gaining something in return, if even an ear. I am married to an alcoholic. He has been sober off and on throughout the six years we have been together. When I say "sober", I do not mean in recovery. I mean just not drinking. He has never been in recovery. He is a very successful man and recently retired early. I knew what would happen. Just like one of the stories in the Big Book, out came the carpet slippers and the bottle. It has only been about 5 months since he retired. But he is already back to the bottle. It varies from week to week, but I would say that on the average, he spends about three nights a week drunk. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I knew this would happen, and have tried to mentally prepare myself for it, but still it has been very difficult for me. I am growing so increasingly tired of looking at a drunk man all the time. The smell, the mess, the hassle of it all. The reason I feel so alone is because to the outside world he presents a different face. At least to most of it, including his family. The only people he drinks around are the few friends he has that are drinking friends, most of which don't even live in this state. Most of the people he knows here think he doesn't drink. What a joke that is. His family thinks he gave up booze a long time ago. I have never said anything to them because I hardly ever see them (they live in another state), and have not wanted to deal with the fallout from him. He would be very angry. I recently started going to Al Anon. It has helped some, but it is still hard. I have a hard time not nagging him, not saying anything, not complaining or lecturing him. I have a hard time not pouring out alcohol when he's drunk. You know, all the things we good co-dependents do. I'm truly hoping that as I continue in Al-Anon, this will become better. The twist to all of this is that I AM in recovery. Maybe that's what makes it harder for me, because I know that it IS possible to be happily sober. I also know that everything I've been doing is pointless. I feel like I am the only sober person with a drunk partner. I did not know this man was an alcoholic for a long time. He hid it well from me. But, eventually, it always comes to the surface. Is there anybody out there who is in my position? I could use some words of wisdom.
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One day at a time.