Rose,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is a sick man with a dangerous disease. If he had cancer and was throwing delirious tantrums, would you accept it better? If he had AIDS, and went into deep depressions because he knew he was dying, would that be easier to handle? When I think of it in these terms, it is so much easier to accept the sick alcoholic.
I try to detach myself when my husband acts in sick ways. He is recovering, but he is not working his steps and is still very sick. So when he's in one of his crazy modes I find somewhere else to be. I cannot be around him when he is like that and stay sane myself. I go to meetings, go to the park with my girl, or meet friends and do things with them. When he is out of that mode, I spend loving time with him.
I suggest that when your husband is drinking, leave him alone and go to your meetings and spend time with your kids. Take them to movies. If it gets really bad, have a "Fun Weekend" and rent a hotel room or go for a short trip.
I have asked lots of strangers to be my sponsor. Some have worked out, some haven't. I will do anything to get out of the pain I was in. Unfortunately, a lot of people concentrate on the problem, which is why you hear all the stories at the meetings. I try to concentrate on the solution, which is the steps. You might try and find a different meeting that's more helpful. You might also go to some open AA meetings, to help you get a better understanding of this horrible disease.
These are some of the things I have tried, and have worked for me. I also write a Gratitude List every day, to remind of the good things I have in my life. Sometimes I have to go through a lot of pain to grow, but the rewards are worth it. Keep me posted on how you're doing.
Love,
Happy