sadness and disappointment
Today I am feeling very sad and disappointed. Last night my husband went out drinking. He went out after my kids came home from school and didn't tell them where he was going. When I got home no note telling me where he was. A part of me knew that he was drinking, but I didn't want to make that assumption. So when he came in it was obvious that he had been drinking. I argued with him and gave him a hard time.
So, I understand that it was foolish of me to think that he could give up drinking without a recovery program. But I was beginning to hope that our life could get better. Now I know that he will probably never give up drinking.
I do feel better going to Al-anon meetings and I am starting to work the steps. But when I am at meetings people talk about the trouble that they have had dealing with the A and about the character flaws they struggle with. But I don't hear them talk about how to live happily with an A. Yes, working on myself is important and necessary. But it still will not change having to deal with a drunk, and all that goes along with that. I don't understand how Al-anon will help me to deal with living with an A? Also people talk about getting a sponsor, how do you do this? It seems to be a mystery. Am I really supposed to walk up to someone I hardly know and ask them to be my sponsor? Talk about setting yourself up for rejection.
As you can tell I am angry today. Angry at God for letting me believe for awhile that my life could be good. But I still do believe that my life can be good - but not with the A in it. With the A in my life, there is pain, disappointment, fear, anger, and sadness. I feel hopeless today. These feelings are so useless, they don't mean anything. Can anyone help me to get through this day?