Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
I'm new to the board and new to these steps. I struggle with this. Last night, I woke up at 4am and my husband was not in bed. He works nights, gets home at 1am. Yet, if he's not in bed by a certain time, I think he's using. I think he's downstairs, hiding in the laundry room, using.
He used to stay up all night, then sleep for days at a time.
I got up. He was on the couch, watching television. I told him, "Please just tell me you are not using again."
We had an argument. He said he's not using and hasn't been for some time. He was crying at one point, telling me that he doesn't know how else to make me believe, but whatever it is, he'll do it. I've been doing this on and off for the last 6 months. I go through periods where I am ok, then I realize I'm not and I'm overwhelmed by distrust and suspicion. I start to search for signs of usage.
I was so worked up when I went downstairs that I was crying, begging him not to do it again, telling him that our marriage was hanging by a thread, that I couldn't go through another relapse. "Please love me and our baby more than you love it."
It's like I don't know how to give up that control. I don't want to be powerless to this. I want to own it and kick it and beat it up and make it do what I want it to do.
Yet, I can't. And because of that, I end up crying at 4am, telling him that I don't believe him.
But, I'll try to do this. I don't know exactly how and I feel silly for not even being able to get the first step right, but I know it all takes time.
Thank you for listening.