Here are my two, ( maybe five,)cents,
hindsights from my experiences.
my son was a pretty easy kid to raise until he became an adolescent. Before adolescence he would test the waters, but he responded to my boundaries, and discipline. And even if he didn't like it, he heard and seemed to accept my reasonings. So I guess I thought it was always going to be that kind of relationship with discipline
then... it all changed.
Once he hit High School, everything I said seemed to be met with arguing. and when he pushed the rules and was disciplined, he acted shocked and wounded. "I was wrong." " I didn't understand." " I was too hard on him."
So I spent TOO MUCH TIME trying to explain it all to him. I thought it was important that I explained it just right because then he would understand. I look back now and wonder why I kept trying to explain. ( my husband would just shake his head at me while I ignored his opinion and even resented his reaction to it)
I guess I thought my son would say, " my mom is right to take this away from me, I deserve this for going against the rules, I will take this punishment easily, learn and grow from it, and in the end appreciate it."
Hmmmm. I don't think any parent ever meets with this understanding.
I think I was actually surprised at his reaction and thought maybe if he is responding this way I might not have explained it right? I could be wrong? or too harsh? ( wow, even before addiction, he knew how to push my buttons for his own wants. and I was hooked on his approval)
sometimes I stuck to it, sometimes , I lowered the discipline, thinking I was too harsh, and sometimes I gave in, (behind his step-fathers back,).
No matter how I REACTED to his responses, I took it very personally and anguished over the decision. I was amazed and even disappointed in my husbands ability to separate the discipline. No emotions seemed to be involved nor did he care deeply if his children, my step-children were not happy with his decision. Sigh.
I wish I had the detachment I have now. I would have been smarter, more realistic, and MAYBE OR MAYBE NOT, my son would have done things differently. but I KNOW he would have been safer.
Don't know what you should do in your situation, but thought maybe you could learn from someone who has traveled the road of adolescence before you.
I saw a book later on that said:
1. You can restrict their movements at first but wait a day to decide on final punishment. then you are sure and so have confidence and have bought into it more when you state it. ( especially those of us who are Co-Dependant.)
2. Do not take their reactions to it personally.
3. Do not expect them to understand. They can't, and won't, that kind of realization takes maturity.
4. If you have given in even once before, there will be a "Pavlov Effect". they think "If I keep trying they will give in." So it takes a lot more strength and detachment on your part to hold tight.
I am not saying as a parent we can't change an emotional decision made quickly, (thats why its good to hold off a day while keeping them close by). But they need to know that you are the adult and the decision even if it changes IS YOURS.
good luck with this age.
It brought me such fun, joys, laughter, and pain.
8
"wish I knew knew now what i didn't know then..."
Cathy