Rob; I completely agree with Dee. Please re-read his post. He is absolutely right....you have to be willing to go to ANY LENGTHS. Anna is right too, an inpatient program is what you NEED. My heart breaks for you. But Rob, at this point, there is nothing we can do for you. If you don't GO TO ANY LENGTHS, you're going to die. You are having suicidal thoughts and you're killing your body with the drink.
Getting into an inpatient program may feel like you're giving up your life, but you have already done that. If you keep going like this, it is only a matter of time before you lose whatever you have left, financially, materialistically, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc..
You have to do the right thing. Forget everything else. Get into rehab right now.
Tay