Thanks for today's message Ann
This message was especially difficult for me because I have let guilt guide my life often. Sometimes it helped me in ways like staying out of trouble because I didn't want to disappoint my parents. But with my AH it is proving to hold me back. He uses it as a way to keep me here. He'll say things like, 'its easy for you to say you want a divorce isn't it?' or 'its easy for you to walk away" or 'i guess marraige means more to me because I would never divorce you no matter what'. Then he always has to throw the disease word in, because after all it is a disease and what kind of wife would leave her husband when he has a disease or is sick. (He also has bipolar and chronic pain) So yes, I have always felt guilt in leaving.
But the last night, after finding out a few more lies and broken promises with his pain medication, I just couldn't believe it, I still can't. I think I finally started (just started) to detach. When I told him I can't live like this, he said, 'so you're leaving?' and for the first time I felt ok with saying yes. I told him I have made it clear that I do not want to live with someone on and off pills and drugs, that I will not, and that if he chooses to continue, I WILL LEAVE. I also know that it may not happen today or tomorrow or even next week. But the fact that I was able to say that without feeling bad for HIM, made me proud of myself. I told him I was taking steps to make myself feel better, be better. And I feel ok about it all. I am upset still when I think of his choice, but I also know that what I am doing needs to be done for me.
So thanks again, it was good timing to hear that today.