Letting Go .....
I'm young in my journey of recovery. I've been thinking about the topic of letting go and what it means to me since I initially read this post.
"Letting go" means not holding on so tightly that my knuckles turn white and my blood pressure rises and I can't do anything else but "hold on." I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it, so I have to learn to relax, uncurl my fingers and let it be what it is.
"Letting go" doesn't mean that I drop it and it falls into a deep dark hole, never seen from or heard from again. It continues to exist, but in the past. I learn from the experience, but I don't let the pain of yesterday steal from the joy of today. I don't expect myself to forget, but I do expect to recover from this experience stronger than I was before and with the knowledge and desire to never repeat it again.
For me, that's where the boundaries come in. I will "let go" of the chaos that was our life with active addiction and seek a life of love and respect. Of nurturing and fun. Of working together to support the necessities of maintaining a productive household and raising children who will be equipped to handle the world on their own one day.
The things that do not support my life, will not be a part of it. I will never again sacrifice myself and my children to the snarling jaws of active addiction. IF ..... IF XABF pursues a life of recovery and sobriety, I will support him from a distance. His actions will speak to me louder than his words and any actions that do not support my life with my children will result in my continuing to "let go" of him. I will not wait for him to find himself (although this is difficult because I love him with every fiber of my being.)
Each day I "let go" a bit more and it gets easier. I am working on changing my focus from "fixing" my addict to becoming a better me and a better mom.
I want to LIVE LIFE......