My AD's problem didn't start until she went off to college. I thought she was just "adjusting". Checks began to bounce, she withdrew from classes, cell phone bill very much overextended, she didn't "sound right" when I would talk with her. My mama's gut told me something wasn't right, but oh no.....she was just "adjusting".
I paid the overdraft charges. I excused the withdrawal from classes (that cost ME money). I paid the overextended cell phone bill. I overlooked her not "sounding right" when I talked with her.
Eating disorder developed and she had to come home. I was scared to death. All I could think of was to get her help. Home for a while, things improved a little and my focus was totally on getting her well.
She went back to school, another college 2 hrs from home, and I thought we were on a new road. Well, didn't take long for the same things to happen...bounced checks, blah, blah, blah. I STILL wanted to believe nothing was wrong, so I convinced myself that she really didn't have a drug or drinking problem, she was just having trouble settling down.
And the beat went on until some crises happened. And nothing I did...the saving, the rescuing, the denying worked. I could NOT save her or fix her.
Crises continued to happen until one night I was scared out of my mind. I KNEW things had to change for me or else I wasn't going to make it. Of course, I wanted things to change for my AD, but I saw I was fighting a losing battle trying to do that for her.
Bottom line...I rescued, I saved, I fixed, I made excuses, I ENABLED my daughter to stay in her addiction because I thought:
(1) As a mama I could fix it. It was my job, wasn't it?
(2) I thought I should save her. Isn't that what mama's do, protect and save their children?
It was after MY bottom that I got into recovery through this board and attending Al Anon meetings. I saw where I was in DEEP DENIAL about my AD's problem. I knew if I admitted it, then I had face the fear that came with that. I was scared to death.
Recovery taught me that I could deny her addiction all day long, but that wasn't helping me or her. Somehow in my stinkin' thinkin' I thought if I didn't admit her problem, then we just wouldn't have to deal with it and I wouldn't have to hurt. You see, as concerned as I was about my daughter and her behavior (it never entered my mind she could die from her addiction), I was concerned about me and my hurting. You see, my family looked very "normal". Our family history was very normal, not covered up with addiction, so I knew nothing about it. I just didn't want my daughter to hurt so I wouldn't have to hurt. And that sounds so self centered and it was. But it's where I was and I have to admit it.
I love my girls more than anything (I have 2...one addicted, the other a huge codie like me who refuses to get into recovery, so I pray for her) and now realize that I DID enable both of them. I took over their responsibilties when I should have let them suffer the consequences of their choices. I couldn't see it then, but I was actually preventing my daughters from growing into the responsible women I wanted them to become. I robbed them of learning valuable lessons.
Today thank God I know these things. Today I no longer will cheat my daughters out of learning what they need to learn. Today I will let them be responsible for their choices. If they are good ones, they will reap the benefits. If they are bad choices, then they will suffer the consequences and hopefully learn from them.
Good gosh, I could go on and on, and I think I did.
. I guess you just asked a question about which I am an expert. How about that. Never felt I was an expert on much of anything. But you mention enabling...well, there's an area in which I have lots of experience.
Hope some of what I said helps. Sure hope you can encourage your mom to find a meeting and read on this board. My life is a million times better today due to my recovery. I am so thankful for meetings and this board.
Hugs,
Hangin' In