Relapse....
Just needed to shout out this vent....
I have to be honest....all of the knowledge in the world about addiction can never help me to understand how someone who has 8 months (my ex-husband) in recovery can just one day decide to abandon all that he has learned and embraced about recovery and sobriety just to go get high.
I "know" that relapse is a reality/possiblity in recovery. I "know" that a person could have 20 years and then relapse. I "know" relapse starts before the person actually goes out drug seeking and using. "I know" but I will never understand.
I was romanticizing the idea of possibly accepting him back in my life in the future because the changes that came about from him working his program made such a difference in his behavior and outlook. Yes...there were still some addict behavior lingering but he was continuously working on those issues.
I still wasn't really ready for it...I thought it needed more considering...there's still a lot of pain there and resentment from my end and most importantly doubt and distrust and what lingering addict behavior there was...I could not stand. Just like I knew when I was ready to divorce him...I knew I would know when I was ready to give it another try. But I always made my intentions very clear. I told him to go on with his life and if we get back together then we do but there's a huge possiblity that we won't. I need time to watch, wait and see.
Then all of a sudden...one day...like running into a brick wall "WHAMO!!!" Disappointment....Sadness....Anxiety came rushing back at me and this is from a distance because he doesn't live with me and i don't see him everyday. And these three powerful words siren'ed in my head "THIS IS WHY..." This is why I'm hesitant, reluctant and wary. This is why I had to divorce him because I couldn't live in constant fear and doubt that this might happen and I couldn't live with active use around me. I was never able to really detach...I tried and I just couldn't do it.
I just will never understand.