Thanks for the welcome... here's a short version of what is, of course, a very long story...
my dad is the alcoholic in my life. I lived with him for about 10 years, from 18 to about 27. During those years, his drinking got progressively worse. When I made the decision - at 27- to move into my own apartment with a friend, he used the opportunity to make me feel guilty for "leaving him." At 27!! His drinking got worse for a while, along with our relationship, until he had a health crisis in Dec 04 and almost died... then was sober for close to 2 years, then relapse, then sober for another year or so, until recently. During his times of not drinking, he never went to AA, counselling or anything... is that what they call a dry drunk? Anyway, he started drinking again recently. I had kind of suspected but then again, I feel like I'm always on alert. The confirmation basically came the other night when he called me up to direct me to read an email he had just sent me.. an email in which he announced he thinks it's a good idea for us not to have contact for a while.. this led into a long phone conversation, with him saying all I do is nag him and he needs to find peace and freedom and I am apparently keeping him from this. He's recently come into a little money and has decided he's going to take off in his car and drive off into the mist to find a better life somewhere... he hung up on me twice during this conversation, and yelled at me, which is something he never does unless he's drunk. I asked him if he was drinking, of course he denied it... later in the week I got a call from a good friend of his asking me if my dad was drinking again, that some of the guys he hangs out with had noticed my dad reeking of booze again lately.. so there is no doubt in my mind...
ha, you're thinking, that is the short version? Anyway what I'm struggling with right now is... I feel relieved. I haven't heard from him since, and I really don't want to. His friend that called me was trying to convince me, almost bully me, into having (yet another) "sit down" with my dad. And I told him no. I told him at this point, I don't want to have anything to do with my father. And I'm feeling guilty... for not feeling guilty. I'm feeling guilty that I know he is home drinking himself into a stupor and probably right into another health crisis... and I was out today with a friend at the movies. So far every day the phone has not rung, I feel grateful. But I feel cruel for being grateful...
thanks for listening. Sorry for the rambling...