I am sorry that you are in such pain, physically and emotionally. By reaching out here you have already taken a baby step toward recovery. Much of what you said was very self aware......another great baby step.
Recovery is a process. Everyone here is in their own process of recovery....some in early recovery (like me).....some who have been working on their recovery for many years. Stick around. This is a great place to begin your own journey.
gentle hugs