tryintosmile

Hi - I'm new to this site, but not new to knowing how alcoholism can destroy your whole life. It's all but destroyed mine.

When I met him 12 years ago, I was attractive, independent and had a full time job. Fast forward 12 years later - I'm overweight, rely on him for everything, and am on disability. His world has become my world. I've been emotionally and verbally abused these last 12 years with being treated like a queen in between those bouts. Why else would we stay? They have their good sides (even great ones). They are charming. They can make us feel like the most beautiful woman on earth (when alcohol is talking) or we can be the wicked witch of the west.

We co-own a duplex. I've recently moved into the other side (which is supposed to be our income supplement) because I cannot live with him. Now he's starting something new. He thinks he's single (even though he wants me for EVERYTHING still). He looks for women online and sometimes has them overnight. The walls are pretty thin between where our place adjoins, and that so happens to be where he has his dalliances. I don't care about what he's doing, yet I'm obsessed with it (if that makes sense). I KNOW I'M ADDICTED TO HIM (the alcoholic) just as he is addicted the the alcohol and ME (the enabler).

I would love to be able to sell the house tomorrow and move as far away as possible from him and never see him again, but we've tried to sell this place on 2 separate occasions, and had too much trouble trying to get our price and not wanting to go lower because of having to break the mortgage contract and debts to pay off. I know that's not a great excuse, but it was extremely stressful and I don't have the strength to go through it again right now. There is also work to be done, but he works hard physically every day and has no energy to do anything physical at night except drink, womanize or watch tv. We both love the place - WE JUST CAN'T EVEN LIVE IN THE SAME CITY TOGETHER!!! He's agreed to move out and my sister will be moving next door in 2 months.

Honestly - with what he is doing next door - 2 months is too long for me. I'm literally going insane. It's practically right in my face and since I don't have my own life anymore - it's hard for me to ignore what's going on in his. I confront him and ask him if he can wait until we are no longer living in the same dwelling, but he has no consideration for my feelings whatsoever. I've told him if he wants to do that, he must leave me alone with no contact, but it's hard for us to have no contact, when we are 'joined at the hip'. I feel just so sick I can't sleep. I don't even know if him moving away is going to work.

I've gone for abuse counselling, but not to al-anon. I don't have much energy to do anything. I'm in pain all of the time. I know that it should work for me and yet I don't know how I can help myself while I am still in the enabler role. I can say NO to him, which I've done on many occasions, but he makes it impossible for me to stick with it. I guess that's the job of the alcoholic.

Thanks for listening and any advice or suggestions are most appreciated.