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Old 02-26-2008, 04:34 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
JPHartford
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by FindingClarity View Post
Really don't know what my plans are for now. I've done rehab, IOP and meetings before.
I stopped the meetings and I started using again....that should tell me something.

I need to get my finances back in order, can't even afford gas in my car right now. Don't get paid again until the end of the week and just got hit with $400+ in NSF fees by the bank. I'm screwed right now.

Boyfriend is out of the picture (my choice) he's got the same problem I do so we are no good together. He doesn't even work so I was always on the hook for everything anyway. It was more of a drug relationship anyway.

I've been making a lot of bad choices and don't like what I am becoming.

I can relate fully. As someone said: "crack is evil." It is definitely one of the most addictive substances known to man. I was 37 years old before I smoked it for the first time. I am now 48 and have only been clean for 2 weeks. I could tell horror story after horror story.

As for relapse, it happens. DON'T EVER GIVE UP. During that 11 years, I was clean for several months a few times but always went back. My real pitfall was when I decided to no longer smoke from the pipe but roll it in a joint. That allowed me to have semi-control over my behavior and I was able to "function" fairly well. In reality all it did was prolong the misery and cost me way more money. I say that because when I first started 11 years ago, I smoked from the pipe. Within 2 months I was hooked. I went crazy. Within a year, I was in jail, on the verge of divorce and jobless.

So I got clean for about 5 months and then got the "brilliant" idea that I could mix it in a joint. I was scared to go back on the pipe. The cocaine high is not as strong but you don't crave quite so bad and you do not have the brutal crash. So I continued down this path for almost 10 years. I spent over $150K during that time. About $15K a year. Finally I woke up a few weeks ago. With the help of my wife (she has my keys and my credit cards), I have been clean now for 14 days. At 48, I feel like a fool. That damn stuff has robbed me of so much. With alot of help, I am determined to remain clean.

AS for hallucinations and paranoia, oh yes. One of the recovery groups I have gone to is called "From behind the blinds." YOu can't pull yourself away from the damn window because you keep thinking "they" are coming. One day when I was doing this, a police officer pulled in to my next door neighbors driveway. Then he walked over to my house and rang the door bell. I was about to have a heart attack. I went ahead and opened the door and he asked if I knew when my neighbor would be home because there were complaints about the dog barking. Whew! I just knew he was coming to arrest me. I was on probation at the time.

Sorry for being so verbose but it is therapeutic for me.

Oh and BTW, intelligence or success has nothing to do with who might get addicted. I am a professional with a Ph.D. I did not start using drugs until age 34 (pot and pills) and then crack took over when I was 37. I may have education but I am still a damn fool.

Learn about addiction. It is a brain disease. Chemicals change the wiring in your brain and make it very very difficult to stop. Look at the HBO series on Addiction: Why Can't They Just Stop. It really helped my wife to understand that I was not doing this because I didn't love her or because I was just a weak, immoral person. ITs a damn disease, like diabetes (which I also have) or high blood pressure and it has to be managed for your entire life. The good news is it can be done. I have friends who I used to use with who have been clean for years, I am determined to also be a survivor.

Good luck to all.
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