"Hop"
I feel for you today.
I am in a similar position. My husband is not my addict but he is pretty messed up with depression and other mental issues just the same. I have had to detach and have used every skill I have learned in al-anon and my co-dependency recovery to deal with the detachment process.
I originally left in anger. I am still away from him but have come to accept that I do love him deeply and he loves me deeply BUT... that doesn't seem to be the answer for us. I see so many characteristics in him that describe addicts, such as emotional withdrawals, inability to attach for any period of time, escapism, beating himself up, etc. that I am surprised addiction is not his issue. I know now that our relationship will never have a chance unless he gets the help he needs to change and I am learning to stop trying to be his savior and become my own. Some days I am better at it than others. Today it is a hard one for me. I know I have posted this before but I'm not sure you have seen it so here it is again. I keep this by my bedside for those times when I question my decision to detach and let him figure this out, but mostly to leave it in the hands of my HP.:
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Accepting Love
Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.'
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?
We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.