liesagain

so my AH relapsed yesterday

he texted today and said he was ok still alive, then calls again a little later to tell me the same things as before
he doesnt know why he used, he feels like hell etc

I tell him I love him and I only want him to be okay and I suggest that he call his NA friends or go to a crisis unit or a meeting he replies he only wants to sleep

I telll him that its his choice but my concern for him is that he will sit there feeling sorry about his actions and if he doesnt take a positive step forward that he will end up feeling worse and he'll goback for more drugs
he says no hes gonna sleep

calls again a little while ago telling me hes cold and filthy and asks if hes "allowed" to come come shower and get clean warm clothes

I say its quarter till 8 you can make your meeting if you go now, he tells me he has no gas

and that if I let him come home shower and get warm clothes hes going to leave the truck and walk after he makes calls to his NA friends

I just sit there and he says so can I or not, and again I say what about your meeting you can see them in person at the meeting and he says no I'm filthy

and I say well of course you are --they know that you just drug yourself out of a crackhouse they expect you to be filthy

he hung up on me, I called back and said did you hang up? he said YES I'm done with this ...............then he waits for me to respond
and I tell him why do you want to make this worse for me, you really expect me to say yes come shower and change then walk off and let me worry if your walking away for the last time if your going to be okay or not
dont you think this is hard enough for me

and he says in a real nasty angry tone fine I wont come there I'll be just fine dont worry about it and hangs up again

I hate this I hate addiction and what it makes them become I hate the fear and the worry but I refuse to help him kill himself any longer I cannot do it

I want him to be warm and safe and clean but you know what he climbed out of a clean warm bed yesterday and left our home to go spend the night in a crack house with no power he didnt care if he was clean then he didnt care if he had warm clothes then but yet he cares today and cares more about getting a shower and clean warm clothes than he does calling people who can help him get back on track.........

He wants me to feel bad for his choices he KNOWS I love him and this is killing me and he is trying to use that to his advantage

So I put the phone down and called his sister cried my eyes out and she said YOUR doing the right thing, I want him to be warm too
but your doing the right thing...............so here I am
trying to remember I'm doing the right thing...............

thanks for listening sorry its so long