ahhhhhh....if only we were that powerful that not being therre would lead to someone's downfall. It's an oxymoron of a situation. He is already heading there - one way or another - one is faster maybe than the other. He is taking himself down and the only question is whether he is going to take you with him. This is a disease that ends up either in recovery, in jail, an institution, or death. All that anyone's participation in the process does is allow the "addict" inside the person to stay alive. He might make it if he hits the bottom and finds the way out. Right now - all that is happening is that he's hanging on with you going down with him. I know that it sounds tough and cruel - it's counterintuitive that the only way to help is "not". Our disease is the ego state that believes that we can actually make a difference.
You did not cause his addiction and you can not cure it- there is nothing that you do that causes him to pick up. If he uses or spirals down it is only because of his own desires. He's using whether or not you are in his life already.
I really do understand how you feel because I realize that my RAH's poor coping mechanisms with life would most likely lead to a fairly quick relapse if we weren't together. BUT that isn't the reason that I stay with him. I cannot be held hostage by his addiction and the fears that it would be worse for him w/o me here. My RAH has had such a severe addiction to crack that if he goes back out he would likely die this time. I have to understand that his drug use or potential death from it do not have anything to do with me. Tough words, tough concepts. But, I definitely do understand. It all is really really hard...no doubt about that. I think that we stay alot of times until we are truly able to see that addiction is a no win situation. Our eventual choice becomes do you save yourself or not.
It helped me to learn all that I could about addiction and the progressive nature of the disease. Try to understand that even under the best case scenario (he gets into recovery) that it is a life long disease with possible relapse. Is this really the way that you want to live? Even when addicts do all the right things to recover there is no guarantee. I understand choosing to stay with one - because that is what I've done. But it's also meant that I've had to commit to growing and being strong enough to only rely on myself for my well-being. That's a TUFF way to be in a partnership.
Be gentle on yourself and give yourself a lot of credit for posting, learning, and getting to a meeting. There is absolutely no crime in loving an addict. Just be careful in regards to how close you chose to stand to one. It's taken be a long time to learn what detaching with love means.........
I really do understand and absolutely have no judgement....I definitely chose what everyone in the world told me not to do so I know what it's like.
You will find your way and you will know what to do....I promise.
Donna