catecicc

well I have been here lurking in the shadows for the past few months hoping in a way to just help and never have to post about my "issue" again, but unfortunately the cocaine monster is back with a vengeance. This is more of a vent than anything else. I appreciate you shoulders, ears and advice.

It’s funny how quickly one’s feelings can change. In the beginning it was hurt, sadness then devastation. Now it’s bitterness, anger and resentment. He knows I am angry but the poison stunts his emotions. Slowly but surely I am getting fed up. Slowly but surely I am beginning to realize all of the things that people have been telling me since I realized this was a problem. I question reaching out for help at this point being I don’t know what it will do. He refuses to help himself so how am I supposed to help him. My words fall on deaf ears and I am sure my pleas are old hat to those who have listened to me so far.

I play my thoughts and my feelings over and over in my head. I know what I want and need to say to him, but when it comes time the words have escaped me. Then I get angry with myself. The only person who can change my situation is me and I continue to let myself down. Why do I tolerate it? Why do I do this to myself? I am so angry with me. It’s so unfair. I need to talk to someone, but I feel almost guilty going back to my friends and asking for help. I feel like they think I am an idiot for putting up with it for this long. And part of me agrees. I fall so hard when he cleans up his act and starts being my boyfriend again and then I am absolutely heartbroken when he falls off the wagon. Honestly I think this is the first time that I got pi$$ed first.

I wish there was a way to have this decision made for me. Show me the right way. Tell me it’s okay to give up all that I have worked so damn hard for here and go back home. Tell me it’s not worth it anymore. Tell me he doesn’t love me. Tell my heart I don’t love him.

Thank you for listening….now I’m going to cry.