Old 02-07-2008, 01:32 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
lightseeker
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Join Date: May 2005
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Dear Cher,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this situation. Many of us know your pain and anguish. I, too, knew before opening your post that the DOC was crack. It is an evil drug that has ruined so many lives and relationships.

My situation is similar to yours in many ways. I fell quickly in love with a charming man. I knew that he had used cocaine in the past but he reassured me honestly (not) that he was clean. After we had become a couple I became aware that he had "relapsed"....not really though, as he had been using all along. Still, I felt like he was telling me the truth and being honest. This "relapse" stuff went on for about 4 months....he never did quit although he repeatedly told me that that was his intention. I finally began to realize the depth of the problem and ended our relationship. I, too, have 2 children from a previous marriage and did not want to put them through any more drama with him. At that point, I had begun to post on this site but had not gone to any meetings.

So, what happened? I made a bottom line for me - not him. I decided that I absolutely would not be involved with someone in active addiction. Neither would I be involved with a sober addict - he had to be in recovery. I was finally ready to walk away and he must have sensed that because he finally did stop using. But he was ready - ultimately, it had nothing to do with me. Not having any relationship with me was the consequence of his using and he chose to stop. By the way - we dated briefly 18 years ago and that consequence held no weight that go around....Crack won that round. After multiple rehabs and stabs at stopping he knew what it would take for him to stop. He implemented all of it - it was a very finely detailed plan. I didn't come up with any of it - he did. I knew that I couldn't be the one to help him.

He has been sober for 2 1/2 years now and we have been married for little over a year. I wish that I could tell you that all was rosy after he stopped using. It hasn't been at all. In fact, in many ways, it has been even more painful for me in his sobriety. I live with a man that has a lot of difficulty with living life on life's terms. I never would have guessed that from before. The NA/AA books talk about the addiction being just a symptom of the true disease...which is a sickness of the spirit. Not using is simply the very first beginning step of an extremely long and difficult journey.

I've been involved in one of the best case crack addict scenarios that I am aware of. Meaning, he has not (yet) relapsed in 2 1/2 years. That is a rarity and certainly no guarantee that it won't happen tomorrow - or even tonight. There are people that have 13 years of sobriety, that go to meetings, work a program and then one night - they go back out. Are you ready to live with that for the rest of your life? It never never never goes away. Then, there is the issue of living with a man who's emotional development was arrested due to his drug use. Drug addicts have to learn to be charming and beguiling in order to survive....which is why they initially seem so amazing and incredible. It's simply an illusion....created with smoke and mirrors. Yes...there are many wonderful qualities in each of us but addicts are adept at projecting an amazing image and making us believe that things that aren't true are true. This has been an incredibly difficult relationship even under the best of circumstances.

If I had it all to do again - if I had had a crystal ball - I would never have done it. I'm in it now and there is progress being made, so, for today, I remain. No matter how wonderful our relationship ever becomes it will never be enough to make what all I've gone through worthwile. I've spent thousands on counselling over the last 2 1/2 years, gone to 2-4 meetings a week, have a sponsor, work the steps, and have a rich spritual life - even that has been barely enough for me to have survived this. What we have ourselves ....the disease of loving an addict (even sober) can led to depths of despair that I didn't know existed. I came from an abusive past marriage and I've found something even harder than that....the last 2 1/2 years.

I'm grateful to have what I have however. I've grown in ways that I never would have under other circumstances. I've learned how to have the self-discipline to carry out my boundaries. But I've become a whole lot tougher and lost a whole lot of my innocence. I know that even if he did go back out "tonight" that I would be okay. It took me a long time to get here.

My heart goes out to you. I hope that the best way for you becomes clear. I know that I had to do it my way - no one could tell me differently. I do always remember that things are as they should be and I find great comfort in that.

Hugs - Donna
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