When I first worked these steps I had my codependent heels dug in pretty deep.
When I first made my "decision" to let God take over, I think I had a time limit on it, as if I needed to see proof that He could do a better job than I was doing. It was like I turned my life and will over to God....until a week next Tuesday. And then when nothing earth shaking happened, I took my will back.
I learned that God works in my life with His timing, not mine. I learned that no matter how well intended my plans were, He often had other plans for me. This annoyed me at first, until I began to see that He could do for me what I could not do for myself. I began to feel just a little bit of peace when I prayed, I began to see that there was a gift in every obstacle on my path and that God's gifts often came strangely wrapped. And I began to trust and find faith. Many days I traveled in blind faith, having no idea where I was going but trusting that I was being led.
One day sitting in church there was a moment of silent prayer where the pastor asked each of us to pray for something very special that we needed in our life. I asked God to remove my fear, fear that had torn my heart in two and been a dark cloud in my life for years. I just asked God to take it all...and I can't explain what happened next. Tears began flowing down my face, not the lump in my throat sobbing kinda tears, just water coming from my eyes and flowing down my cheeks. It was as if the "fear" was just washing away and I have never felt the same fear ever again. It was my first "spiritual awakening" and I now understood what that meant.
I begin each day today, with a prayer turning my life and my will over to God and also turning the care of my son over to Him. It sounds simple today, but it took me years to say that prayer and really mean it. Today I begin my days with that prayer and then live the rest of my day in faith that God's will is being done. For the first time in my life I feel free, at peace and unafraid of what any day might bring me. And I am grateful.
This is the 3rd Step prayer from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, a prayer that has led many of us through good days and bad.
God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63